Is there such a thing as a beautiful divorce?
I think so. My idealist is absolutely positive. The rest of
me just really hopes.
*Stomach gurgling* as
I look at my path ahead. This is the bridge before me.
Nothing has any meaning except the meaning I give it. Easy
to say, rolls right off the tongue like so many other disembodied concepts. Now
is the time to live that like I’ve never lived it before.
The truth of my spiritual practice doesn’t happen at the
mountain retreat center in the hushed whisper of a sunrise meditation. It
doesn’t smell like lavender and sage, nor does it dance to tingsha bells.
I spotted the truth of my spiritual practice last week at
the hospital in the face of the psychiatric team with my son, as the intense loneliness
of no one holding my hand shook me. I felt it the next morning at 3 am in the
salty brew of snot and tears and stifled screams. It was there again yesterday
as anxiety pounded on my chest and clutched my throat. I even heard it in the feeble
request for help that murmured it’s way out my mouth. Each one of these was accompanied by that same subtle sensation. Did you know there is a felt body sensation associated with getting caught in victim mode?
Neither did I.
By recognizing that familiar old sensation and the stories it spins, stories of blame, something shifted. In that painful illuminated moment, choice rushed in. Suddenly I could see a whole new layer of my old patterns and how they most certainly would wreak havoc on an otherwise could be beautiful divorce.
My spiritual practice gained footing, it leapt off the yoga and meditation mat, taking on a real life of it’s own.
Tradition has taught me that divorce must be ugly, mean and
filled with suffering. Tradition has taught me that a marriage means forever at
all costs, anything less is failure. In a life unshackled by tradition and
external approval there is room for Self-inquiry, for mistakes, mystery, and
adventure.
Luckily for me I have a husband/former husband (who also believes in
creating a new possibility. Who is willing to shock the masses and naysayers
and do whatever the hell we want!
We choose possibility. We choose a new way. This is my blank canvas
if I stay conscious I can paint completion of my marriage, this farewell, this
bridge before me beautiful after all.
I’ll keep ya posted.
