Perfect: {pur'fikt} adj.
Lacking nothing essential to the whole; giving your best. Flawless; admirable. Just right.
And yet...
I am just landing from a turbulent inner flight. As I visited various states of numb and pondered the hypocrisy of me, "the coach"out of her game, when she is benched.
How hilarious this ego of mine is. As if the expectation of being a life coach were that I would never falter, fall flat on my face, call up my coach for a private crisis session (thank you Patti!).
Here is the victory of temporary "defeat":
I GET TO USE THE TOOLS! All these amazing tools I have accumulated over the years. I forget that they aren't only for sharing with others, duh- they work for ME as well! This is when it gets rich, where my foundations get checked!
Each trip down to Hades is new and old at the same time. First off, I now realize I'm down there a lot sooner! There are signs that allow me to know mySelf and my inner whereabouts.
Here are some of my tell tale signs:
1) I notice mySelf drifting off into fantasy land. Instead of using my imagination to create my future, to enrich my latest projects, to hone my life vision, I check out completely. In fact I pretend I am someone else entirely. I call it "Quantum Leaping" remember the show? Each week he'd leap into someone else's life and become them? It's sort of like that. Someone walks by and before I know it, I have designed and furnished their life, complete with car, lover(s), career, you name it. There was a time when I would literally be lost in this daze (mind maze) for up to a week at a time. Only interacting on the surface with my actual reality, then slipping back into the cozy death trap of what will never be. The life energy wasted here is tragic. Now I notice it immediately, but it's got a drug like seduction to it, and whether or not I choose to dip my toes into it or not....
2) I no longer taste my food. The flavors dull and I notice a craving for very spicy food spikes.
3) I feel NUMB in my physical body. I notice some pain, but pleasure hardly registers.
4) I do not feel love for my peeps. My conversation is light and flaky, distracted, and hollow.
5) I FORGET to meditate. I will go for months having been devoted to my daily practice and then suddenly, I just forget it even exists. Like amnesia.
6) I lose compassion. This translates into intolerance, impatience, and taking things personal which leads me to the next clue...
7) My feelings get hurt easily.
Knowing these tell tale signs is incredibly helpful. When I wake up to the trance I've fallen into I can take immediate action. Noticing is action. Being is action. Upgrading my internal conversation is action....
My mind tells a story that goes something like this:
I have fallen from glory, it's too late, don't bother. Peace is light years away. How many times do we have to go thru this same BS? am I really worthy? blahblahblah
I am now familiar with this lie. I can nod at it, and remember:
1) to grab my journal, curl up get cozy (on the couch with my favorite down comforter) and write my heart out, be furious, ridiculous, pathetic, nonsensical, whatever let it flow.
2) Light a candle, just sit and be.
3) CRY! Cry hard and loud, soft and muffled, get snotty and ugly, dramatic is ok too.
4) Take a bath
5) Move my body! Run, walk, dance, jump, stretch, SENSE my body.
Any and all of these things work. Some better than others depending on the day. I have several starting points, recovery touch stones!
When I've journeyed back home and feel safe secure, connected again. I am always grateful for the underworld, my shadow, and it's teachings, the empathy carved out, the fresh raw gratitude for an intentional life.
I am renewed, empowered, enlivened, delivered, in LOVE, present...I am!
