Before I knew we were light

I began my search for you pre-utero

incarnating to divide 
to multiply myself 

so we could see eachother

with new organs and senses

perspective of polarity.

The longing of belonging 
kept us close

brushing, pulsing, pressing, pushing 

we found a rythmn. a heart beat.

We made the words 
which made worlds.

letters and sounds. 
alpha beta alphabet

 fractal, holographic theory, quantum

to give clues 
to our favorite hiding spots

I learned to dance, 

another way to operate this body 

an invocation of grace and seduction

movement led by sensing 

listening for you.

Into your infinite sets of arms

 I wrapped myself

smelling your codes and formulas 

extracting sex from the rest of life

making gods 
of knowledge and currency

imposing limitations, habits, 

a firm belief that you were not real.

I traversed drug doorways to dimensions 

where you housed your outermost edges

refugees, expats, and tricksters

they taught me about your underbelly

the fleas and mites of nether regions

The holiest of paradox

I can only have all of you

when I am willing to settle 

for all of me.

I sat in your darkness 
and let it stir me

before I knew we were light.

Letters to the Beloved

Photo by Siattle Olvera

My heart is imploding with a Love so holy it sears and melts the constructs of language.

 I have no concern for how this lands and if you get it. 

It trickles into the porous nooks and crevices taking root and growing me back into you, until we are both so full that the lie of deprivation swallows itself whole.

There are no more instructions to follow except ecstasy. 

These words flow out and they are love songs, paintings, strip teases, and sermons of service and devotion. 

This is my altar and shrine to you. 
I leave my offerings. 
Curling incense smoke like a halo, I breathe you. 

I discover more space for you to fill.
I venture behind uncomfortable locked gates
a deer in the headlights of this Love. 

Surrendering the sullen parts 
that shroud the hidden gems
Your Love demands every morsel 
My given over, scooped out, splayed open beingness
is only the first yes.

Becoming All that I AM

Mom bought me this piece by Jana Joy last week. The timing is uncanny.

Fresh off the mountain. I'm a wild child again right now. I can smell Earth and sweat on me, and I'm reveling in it. Happy Montana childhood memories of dirty feet, fingernails, wood smoke in my tangled hair, and the stars above me wink and assure me, all is well.

What has happened to me? Here there is only bliss... forever, the purest sweetest Love.

There's so much happening that I'm torn between cataloging the events and sudden upgrades, or staying in the intoxicating flow of it all. It's happening to me. I'm becoming. Becoming what? The Oracle, the Seer, everyone, nature, Her (and sometimes Him, then Us), I am the Beloved as are You. And I'm in love with Us. So yeah that. (Is this awkward?) Wtf? Seriously though, it's just what is so.

Nothing is personal anymore, and yet it deeply is. Each breath his a paradox. Inhaling the first breath of being born, and exhaling the last breath before dying. This is eternity in one blink of an eye. The blinks are infinite btw. I understand why the ancient poets wrote as they did. The more concrete the language is, the less accurate. More fluid, less words, more sounds, smiles, and sighs, dancing, playing, these are the truest ways to "talk" about this sacred Remembering.

It is so precious. My gratitude for every second of this life in all it's forms brings me to my knees. Today I even understood the gun shots ringing through the forest. I wanted to apologize on behalf of the humans to the trees and critters. She stopped me. "I am that, I am." She spoke. "Sometimes I get that way, turning on mySelf and making loud noises like that."  Because there are no two sides, duality is an illusion and I get it so clearly.

I actually loved some garbage strewn on the side of the road yesterday. I know it sounds crazy. I saw the trash and waited for the normal flicker of grrrrr to surface. Instead I understood that my past feelings of anger, disappointment, and frustration weren't at the person who had done the littering but at myself (and yes I was that person too somehow). I had been angry that I wasn't doing something about it. If it bothers YOU, then YOU do something about it. The trash registered a tiny blip on my radar, the old self loathing at myself for driving on, expecting someone else to fix it was the source of my suffering. Yesterday there was nothing, only the understanding of what had been occurring, accompanied by wave after wave of unconditional love.

My image reflected in the mirror keeps shapeshifting. Sometimes I want to cry at the innocence and child like human expression I am, the boundless joy and quirky nature has me blinking back tears. Other times I see a aged corpse like being and I stare at it, finding love in my heart for every version of me, for every version of You too. I see your pain bodies clearly and I love them too.

I hear the voice telling me that if I write these words and make these kind of proclamations I'll be labeled as straight up crazy, delusional, and lose all credibility. To that voice I say, "I don't care, my Love, I'm not here to impress anyone, only to give voice to what is available and happening to Us right now. There is much more going on and I do have an awareness of what might be too much to say right now. I'll keep many of these ascension miracles to mySelf for bit longer.

I'll leave you with this. It has been and is a gradual shifting and a tenacious inner nudging. I followed it, leaving behind, homes, husbands, careers, friends, and more. I stayed in the fire and wept the tears, screamed the screams, apologized and forgave it All. Each time I stayed with it and said yes, the voice grew stronger. I followed it to India, where angels came to visit me. They bombarded me with information, colors, and love. Imagine those were rays of the sun. As I allowed that sun to warm my skin, the rays dissipated and all that there was became the sun, even me. That's the best analogy I can give. Every cell in my body redesigned itself to accommodate God. Yet as I write that word, it feels flimsy and I laugh at how inept it is at describing the Beloved that we are.

In the meantime I'll keep observing my language. Because language creates, and it most often creates separation, keeping us divided and believing there is an enemy. If some darkness has come to you, do not shy away, for it was yours all along and is only returning asking to be let back into your light. Once integrated it is returned to Love. Trust yourSelf. You really do have all the answers (yeah they might be in seed form. If you inquire, wait, and follow that divine thread of your own knowing, they will germinate). You really are that precious and cherished.

I'll keep you posted. This is so fun, did I mention the FUN??!!!

It's Happening To You Too, Isn't It?

High frequency intel is force flowing at a barely translatable rate. Thus far I've done an excellent job of ignoring it, keeping it to myself and a few close friends. Turns out that isn't gonna fly anymore.

I feel like most of my peeps and readers already know this, but just in case, let me throw down some basic context, some hooks to hang this stuff on.  

 We are co-creating the new world and the old world simultaneously. (And a ton of alternate versions in between.)
For simplicity sake we'll call it the Fear world and the Love world. We're in constant creation of one or the other. Currently we reside in both, kind of a back'n'forth thing. Hopping timelines? I've recently been in conversations with people who thought they were losing their minds, because their physical home actually changes, as in material objects are in different locations based on which version of the world they are inhabiting. It's that real. I've witnessed it myself. 

The only differences between the worlds or dimensions is frequency. Two people can live in the same geographical location while existing in two different worlds. What is available to one doesn't even exist to the other based on what frequency they're operating at. Like a dog whistle your pup is responding to, it's sound you can't hear. There are actually whole worlds you can't hear. (Yeah Horton knows.)

The Ascension is underway. The ascension is one of frequency, not a lifting off of Earth and being whisked away to some heavenly realm. There are people right now already there, I mean here. Maybe you know some of them, their life is literally a paradise? It seems heartache, violence, even dissonance don't exist for them. Is it possible? I dare you to find out.

The Matrix is dissolving. Like an old concrete prison being taken over with lush vegetation, think of dandelions pushing up through concrete, this new reality is growing itself in, around, up, and through the old one. We don't have to waste time trying to change the old ways, or dismantle the patriarchal fortress. We need only to focus and participate in the new ways of thinking and being. Basically feed our attention (energy) into this fast growing garden of what will be. 

People are waking up. We're popping like popcorn! When my almost 70yr old flag waving white Christian mother has  more than one Ayahuasca ceremony under her belt, ahem change is underway folks! A change bigger than you or I, a shift that encompasses the whole enchilada. 

There is work to be done. Despite the negative connotation the word "work" may have for some of you, it really does take some work. We have collectively been put to sleep. The mother hum of our culture is loud and intentionally numbing. If you should choose to be an active agent (it's happening with or without you, but we really want you to join the party!) you will be required to wake yourself up over and over again. I call it spiritual amnesia. Everything is crystal clear, I'll never forget why I'm here. I remember what this is all about! 20 minutes later I'm browsing Netflix lost in the cultural laudanum again. Seriously? Yes it takes vigilance. I make myself recordings and then listen back over them again and again. Remember the movie, Total Recall? Yeah.

There are a lot of tips and guidelines that will make things a lot smoother. Here are a few to get ya started:

• Turn off your TV/computer/phone/ipad/unnamed gadget. Spend time each morning and evening unplugged. 
• Get outside in nature!
• Meditate. I don't care if you don't know how. Learn. There's a million free tutorials on youtube. There's classes, books, and more. Just do it. I have some free guided meditations you're more than welcome to use.
• Journal. Leave yourself notes on your insights. It's like field notes from the higher self to the lower self. Write it down or it will evaporate. This is a dense place we currently still inhabit. If you don't pull it from the ether to material realm and ground it, chances are it will dissipate like a dream. (Again, Total Recall.)
• No more us vs them. Notice every place, every time you are creating division, then stop! Whether it's religion, politics (yes that means Trump), race, age, anything that creates separation- let it go. (Clearly I don't have this mastered from the looks of the racist, ageist, political, description of my mom, above. Oops, love you mama!)
• Joseph Campbell said it best, "He who thinks he knows, doesn't know. He who knows that he doesn't know, knows." Stay in humble beginner's mind. 

That's enough to get you going. Once you are going, get ready for shit to get even crazier. It will. That's a promise. 

• The coincidences will laugh in your fickle face, becoming so bold and blatant you'll have to start calling them synchronicities, magick, or divine kisses as I like to call them.
• An uncanny space will open up wherein you will experience Choice like never before. No longer will the  constant regret of your old knee jerk reactions plague you. Because in this sweet timeless space in between "What happened to me" and "What I'm gonna do about it", you will wait leisurely for your normal trigger to emerge. Meanwhile a catalog of other possible sexy, and sane responses will offer themselves up for your choosing. This beautiful world of choice has been there all along, but now you will have access to it, baby. It's a game changer!
• You'll meet the coolest people! And they will feel like your long lost tribe. (Only because they are.)
• Your conversations will be ones of solution, hope, possibility, acknowledgement, and sharing/receiving divine insights. Conversations of gossip, commiseration, complaining, and mundane chitchat will actually make you feel physically ill. You'll sense contraction in your body and either redirect the conversation or leave it.
• Time is malleable. More amazingness fits into less time. The old linear model no longer exits. Time is an ever opening mandala, it's also an infinite space of all time happening at once. 
• Along with the last one...you'll find yourself being everyone. Yep sounds crazy. I Am That, I Am. You are All of it, and you'll start to glimpse that more and more. (Not only when you're on mushrooms ;)
• What once felt all encompassing, daunting and impenetrable is suddenly amusing, flimsy, and effortless.
• Your MO becomes wholistic and systemic. No decision is made for you alone. What is good for one, is good for all. What is good for all, is good for one. If it hurts someone/thing else you intuitively know that it will also hurt you. 

Everything is being expedited. It's time for all of us to recognize each other. No more comparing my gifts vs your gifts. Each of us has a puzzle piece. Let the world see yours, so we can allow our synergy to amplify the merging. Stop letting money lock up the good stuff. Trust that there's enough to go around and share the good shit already! It's time to activate one another's awakening. When you see a divine flicker in someone, call it forth! 

I'm a weirdo, you're a weirdo. So what? Get over it. The time for external approval is over. Homogeny is overrated, oh and deadly to an ecosystem btw. 

In closing let me thank my brilliant, beloved husband. He distilled the entire cosmic inquiry into a super user friendly mantra. He took what was more of a cliche for me and fortified it with application and meaning. Ready for it? Before taking action, try the ultimate GPS question: AM I choosing this out of Love or Fear? 

Boom. Choose Love. duh.

The Holy Hellacious Paradox

Disclaimer: I'm expressing another point of view. I'm aware that this is a privileged vantage point where I haven't been hiding in a closet fearing for my life, nor am I facing the funeral of my own child or loved one. That being said. Here are some other thoughts...

I've said it a thousand times before and I'll keep saying it louder and more often, the crazier this world gets. 

"No one knows what the fuck they're doing!"

Seriously. Not your parents, not ahem the president, not the pope, not Brene Brown, not the school shooter, not Anthony Robbins, not your boss, NO. ONE. (Except a few rare enlightened souls who never claim to know anyway.) The most seemingly put together successful adults in the world are still hoping deep down that they're doing it right. Whatever that means.

The other day I heard a comedian say, "God's driving drunk and humanity is locked in the trunk." I think we could build a religion on that one.

We've had a wonderful influx of younger women joining our Women's Circle lately. They express their shock and relief at finding a space where people aren't pretending perfection, but rather, we readily admit our confusion, and we welcome ALL emotions. I realize this generation has grown up in the clutches of social media. They were posting selfies before they were even menstruating. The Matrix has shaped their reality at a level I'll never be able to comprehend. The emphatic homogenizing lie of our consumer culture is woven into every fiber of their psyche. 

The conditioning agents of mainstream education, media, and religion have done a dangerously effective job at presenting a neat and tidy compartmentalized version of life in which the gray areas and true complexities don't exist. In this manufactured simulation it's far too easy to jump into the "I'm right, you're wrong, end of story, us vs them, you're with us or against us" mentality. And when the true variables of life perplex us, the fears of "everyone has it figured out except me, what if everyone knew how screwed up I really am, they're so happy, lucky, beautiful, wealthy, (insert your own word of choice) and I'm so...not that. 

No wonder the simple act of sitting in a circle of imperfect women who are sharing what's REALLY going on for them is so revolutionary! To witness another person's humble humanity is a mind-blowing act of self love that brings so many of us to tears. When we disengage from the pressures of pretending, and perfectionism we can begin to get grounded despite not "knowing" and grasp the reality of paradox.

In a world of varying frequencies and shifting dimensions there are both heartbreaking moments of utter tragedy followed by breathtaking bursts of sweet tender beauty. One doesn't cancel out the other. Everything is fucked and yet how could it be when that precious newborn baby just smiled for the first time? 

Living in the present means cultivating the ability to shift gears, to beat in time with the pulse of whatever is actually before me right now. I can drop to my knees in horror and cry at the murder of innocent school children. I can feel the rage of political corporate agendas that perpetuate this bullshit. I can do everything physically possible to contribute to change in policy. But then can I let that moment move into the next and breathe in the sunrise, play hide and seek with a toddler, and laugh with the people I love? 

Sometimes I fear that if I allow myself to enjoy the beautiful moments I'm being an asshole because others are still suffering. I observe the FB raging and finger pointing that goes on and on and on. I suspect that it isn't changing anything other than keeping the dust cloud of hate kicked up. Even as an activist there are times of "action" and times of rest. Too many of us confuse incessant bitching and meme posting with taking real action in the world. 

Our loved ones, children, and the whole world desperately need us to snap out of it! We need to experience one another in joy, silly fits of laughter, and gentle moments of peace. That doesn't mean suppressing, denying, or ignoring what's wrong in the world. It means not staying stuck in the hell of it. 

Besides the impact our daily mood has on those closest to us, we are also feeding the greater collective. Those who are most sensitive energetically and emotionally, those who suffer from mental illness are most deeply affected by humanity's collective field. All the rage, hate, hurt, shame, guilt, blame, and yuck doesn't just go away. It's an energetic cloud we're all living in. Can I step into some responsibility and accountability? How are my thoughts, words, and actions affecting the bigger picture? And what wounded soul might be ready to pick up a gun and be pushed into irreversible action based on the energy I keep unconsciously putting into the field? 

If we stop shouting and shooting hate at each other, maybe we can stop playing into the pressure cooker "look at my perfect life, I'm not like them!" divisive social media game. Instead can we spend more time asking heartfelt questions, even more time listening, and then taking cohesive effective well thought out unifying actions? All the while knowing none of us really have all the answers or know for sure why we're here on this planet, or what the heck is going on. But that doesn't mean we can't try our best and cut each other some much needed slack.

 Because at the end of the day, we're all just walking each other home.