I'll just say it like it is. I hear varying versions of this from my friends, clients, and humans in general.
I'm in the midst of one of those inner debacles now.
Here's a way too honest glimpse of my inner hater Circus:
The volcano erupted last night as I felt the impact of the parental gavel slam hard on my psyche. Every way that I have failed as a parent was broadcast over my internal loudspeaker. There were cheerleaders on the sidelines (without cellulite!...Body BS? We'll get to that just wait) egging the crowd on.
This morning in Barre class unfortunately there was a mirror. Need I say more? All of my internal repugnance had a looking glass to prance upon. It might have been the longest hour of my life. Try as I may to to avert my own gaze, I fell captive to my own self loathing. As I averted my eyes and attempted a state change I began to look at the women all around me. At first it was in a high school comparing sort of way. ("What? She's a life and body coach, she's supposed to be better than this" Yeah one of my inner voices always says that too.) I scanned for all the ways they were better than me. Taller, younger, more fit, perky boobs, cellulite free, elegant hands, the list went on and on. Something shifted inside me. My ruthless comparing was interrupted. I began to see how that woman with the tiny waist I was coveting was self conscious about the width of her hips. Her clothing choice, and the way she held herself confirmed it. My heart got squishy as I continued to look around the room at all of us and our inevitable insecurities.
What about the days I feel amazing, when I am filled with confidence and purpose? It's not as if my physiology has taken a grave turn to justify the depths I can plummet to.
Granted, I spend far less time in a funk than I used to, and yet every time I go there, it's equally sucky!
The question is not "why does this happen?". What is the question then?
How do we move forward despite the loathing lens?
Just that. We move forward despite the loathing. I still went to Barre class! Nothing in me wanted to get out of bed, yet I did. Okay so that's exercise. What about work???? How can I be inspired to write when I feel like this? Well I'm writing, taking this yuck experience and using it as my inspiration. I'm not writing a blog telling you the 5 things you can do to never again feel like crap. I'm getting honest and keeping it real.
There's a time to be still, to go inward and listen. For me...these are not those times. Paralysis, checking out, and borderline depression like to masquerade as "stillness". In times like these, there's one survival strategy that keeps me above water. it's Action.
Action deletes fear. Action deletes apathy. Action cures all sorts of things. I'm not talking about mammoth efforts or herculean undertakings, just one tiny action step.
Feel like shit? Yeah me too. What is the one small step you're going to take that'll keep moving you in the direction of your dream?
Oh one more thing...don't take yourself too seriously, it's only life after all.
