Finding the real ME in the mix

Will the real Self please stand up????

I look back at my life and marvel at the many faces of me. Often times I can't even connect to the woman who said this or did that. Like amnesia, I read through old journals and wonder.

What are the heart opening memories I connect most to? The times I put mySelf out there and I am proud of me?

I fondly recall spearheading a rally in my small town years ago. I caught wind of a skin head gathering, and without any knowledge of "event organizing" or even a plan. My heart catapulted me into activism. I put up flyers for a town meeting, contacted radio and TV stations, colleges and plastered local business store fronts with "Hate Free Zone" posters. The ACLU found lil ole me, and joined in the effort. People came from near and far to support us.

It was only after the fact that I thought to be self conscious, second guessing my fearlessness. Later that I lay in bed listening to the mind chatter and undermining my yesterday's inspired action. After the mind freak the real me stated a matter of fact that now lives in not only my mind but also in my body, "Wow, one person can make a difference."

What about the other times, when I recoil to remember the knee jerk reactions, that triggered me to close down, the moments I rendered my self inept.

Hearing a woman screaming horrible things to a child and my heart breaking, my mind spinning, feelings of intense rage and violence rising up against the woman. I was paralyzed, the emotional tornado inside me blocking love, clarity, and possibility. Walking away as helpless as the child. Sick to my stomach years later, and even today shell shocked at the replay.

Hearing her voice inside me as I have lost my temper with my own son. Hearing that ugliness spill out onto myself, when I beat myself up in those quiet toxic moments...

The faces and roles I've played consciously and otherwise. Some shine with the motivation of love, grounded wisdom, forgiveness. Others, well I'd rather not say. And yet these are all parts of me!

I am becoming more aware all the time of where I'm coming from. What does that feel like when I am in my Essential Self?

~Like I have all the time in the world.

~It feels gentle.

~I feel compassionate.

~I am calm, centered, and most of all CURIOUS!

Recognizing body sensations of being in Essential Self, I notice:

~A warm contentment flooding my body.

~My breath is free and open.

~I enjoy my heart beating, or the air on my skin, a rumble in my tummy, the tiny subtle body signals that otherwise go undetected.

I am gratefully spending more time here, in this expansive realm, while accepting those other parts that creep in to defend, to distract, to hide me from the "scary truth"...

body issues, inspiration, and a brownie

"Every guy thinks every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy... pshh, every girl's dream is to eat without getting fat!"

I wouldn't have laughed so hard if it wasn't true.

Still after all these years I can feel the tension in my upper chest and back of the neck. This is where I carry that lack of trust. The scared part of me that threatens to tell on me if I don't work out, if I have a brownie while I type this. This has been my shame, my dirty little secret... that even now after years of training, numerous therapies, certifications, and coaching other women with their body issues, I struggle. There I said it. Aawwhhhhh! relief. However, Wow, has it ever gotten easier!!!

That is why I do this work. To remind myself, to forgive myself, to rediscover the tools, to be inspired. This is the reason I do the work I do and aspire to live this way. I don't understand it all, I know when I take care of all 4 aspects of me, the tension decreases. I feel sane, grounded, I trust me.

My default is to run in autopilot. My mind in it's most unconscious state is regurgitating old data. It's rigid, rusty, musty, and mean. she gets really mean! She tends to believe she's the all of me.

Ever ask yourself "Is this all there is?" There's no juice, no tenderness, no felt sensation. Instead it's an existence of rules to follow, or rules to break.

Meanwhile under the mind's radar is a stifled down trodden little girl, who is tired of being told she's ugly, fat, not good enough, not smart enough, not rich enough. Sometimes I find her whimpering in a corner afraid to make eye contact. When I give her a voice, I can grow her up. She is wildly creative, and sooo funny. She wants to play, dance, and color outside of lines. The more time I am aware of her, the less time I am in judgement of myself or others, the more time I spend laughing, sometimes crying, always expressing my authenticity. I also remember life can be game.

Another discovery I've made is this eerie and fantastic Intelligence that isn't coming from my Mind. This lively vibrating, electric effervescence, that reminds me of who I have I always been. She gives me hints and hunches. In the quiet of mediation or the cries of lovemaking I find her. Unexpectedly sometimes, but always when I take the time and care to seek Her, She is there. The more time I am in awareness and alignment with Her, the more at peace, and in the flow I Am. Synchronicities abound, divine kisses and nods acknowledge my path illuminated. I have purpose, I have courage.

When these other 2 aspects of me are engaged, my Mind opens to full possibility. She realizes her role is far greater then to boss me and everyone else around. She craves higher learning, listening, and becomes the guide. Gently waiting to move to her next as led by my Spirit body and my Emotional Body. The 3 bodies of Mind, Emotion, and Spirit manifest in my Physical body. Suddenly my body is sacred, it is wise and precious. The loathing I had earlier is dissipated, the stress is released, I am embodied. Everything is alive and everything is okay!

I have been on this journey, practicing, learning, discovering, and intuiting. There is always more, another layer revealing itself to me. This is magical, it's freeing me, and letting me fall in love with me. Once upon a time I thought I hated my body. Actually, I just never knew my body.

Come discover what's been there all along. Contact me for a Discovery Session today! Stop struggling to change it, first why not get to know it? I guarantee you will be very surprised at what you find!