Breaking Silence

 It's late and my mind tried tricking me into staying silent again. I'm sick, I need my rest, I have an early morning tomorrow. I feel nervous to speak up after all this quiet. The bottleneck of words have woven a noose around my neck. My throat chakra is gagging on the truths I don't tell.

I stopped. How dare I keep writing about the trivial individualistic emotional upheavals of another privileged white woman cheering on a sea of other privileged chics? I stopped writing, stopped coaching, stopped public speaking, stopped being ambitious, productive, stopped marketing, stopped making "F**k Perfect videos", stopped leading retreats. I stopped All. Of. It.

It was literally nauseating me. In a world where serious fucked up scary shit is going down, I'm over talking about personal growth and development. So now what?

Two things are up in my face. I returned from India a couple days ago. It was a powerful kick my ass, chew me up and spit me out kind of trip. I'm still sick, feeling weak and unsure what's happening to my health, sanity, spirituality, and interuppted reality.

Second is the cyst on my heart around the latest white supremacist bullshit and the lack of response from myself and most of my comfortable white community.

I just read a blog that brought that cyst to a head.

Layla writes,

"so let’s talk about the hypocrisy of entrepreneurs who claim that their work is all about empowering others, and yet, when the time comes to speak up about white supremacist nazis and racial injustice, they are silent.

As my friend Jess Sells Wertman said, “Know the difference between a leader and a marketer. Many marketers like to style themselves as leaders, but that doesn't mean they ARE.”

Many so-called leaders in the online business world tell us that their work is about changing the world, leading revolutions and transforming people’s lives. And yet… in the face of racism and injustice they say next to nothing or simply re-share someone else’s inspirational meme. This isn’t okay with me. It is my believe that if you have a platform, you also have a responsibility.

And the bigger your platform, the bigger your responsibility.

But what I am witnessing is that many (but certainly not all) of those with bigger platforms are much more hesitant to speak out. Perhaps because of how it might affect their positioning or the optics of their brand. Or perhaps because, as Jess said, they are more marketers than leaders. Or maybe their leadership only extends to becoming a big brand name and getting featured on Oprah’s SuperSoul 100 list.

These are not my leaders. I refuse to give my time and money to leaders who perpetuate what writer and feminist marketing consultant Kelly Diels has labelled the Female Lifestyle Empowerment Brand, or FLEB for short.

Kelly describes FLEB as both:

• An archetype women must comply with and embody in order to be deserving of rights and resources, AND
• A marketing strategy that leverages social status and white privilege to create authority over other women.

fleb is complicit in upholding white patriarchal supremacy.

FLEB focuses on the empowerment of the individual, rather than the collective. And if it does focus on the collective, it’s often focused on a very narrow view of who that collective is (which as you’ve guessed it, is usually white women). FLEB casually uses the hard-earned language of activism and revolution to sell empowerment to those who already hold a lot of privilege in this world.

In the spiritual business world, I’ve seen FLEB perpetuated by white women entrepreneurs who devote themselves to doing deep spiritual work for themselves and their clients, and yet remain absolutely silent on anything to do with politics and justice.

I’ve seen it perpetuated by white women who believe that the best thing they can do is just focus on being a good and loving person, and serving their (largely white) audience and sending love and light instead of actually speaking up.

It absolutely boggles my mind that there are spiritual entrepreneurs who do not see the clear link between the work they do as healers, mentors and teachers for their paying clients, and the work that’s needed in the world for our collective healing and liberation."

Please read the rest of this blog for further much needed ass kicking.

Intuitively this is what I know: fuck your brand, fuck mine. We're not here to make money. There are ancient knots we're here to unwind. This skin thing is one of them. A big one that winds its roots deftly with patriarchy.

It's scary for everyone. Yes there are times I've kept quiet in my own way for fear of saying the wrong thing when I'm trying to "help". (Seriously though, as white people who mean well, but keep making racial blunders, please just tell me what is most needed. I don't know what I don't know. The sooner we bridge that gap, the more headway we can make) Have you avoided getting involved for fear of receiving judgement because you said it wrong, failed to mention this or that, and in the end it was easier to procrastinate than risk it. Risk what though? My life, Your life? Well no, so maybe that's privilege talking. It's time to grow a pair sister. (Don't worry I'm talking to myself as well.)

I don't have some razor sharp plan of action I'm about to lay on you. Instead I have a couple places to start...

Those of us coming from the schools of personal growth and development have had drilled into us this mantra, "What you focus on grows." The logic behind so many people's silence is that if we focus on racism, it'll only grow. Okay I get that. What if we focus on actively creating many solutions to racism? What then? Oh right, the solutions might grow.

What's the solution? In a universe of infinite possibility why would there be only one solution? Come up with one or ten, or thirty. Internal and external actions. Get creative, do something, anything! (More than re-posting anti-racism memes).
One of the internal practices I've begun is noticing the social/political climate of every environment I'm in. What can I contribute here? Another internal action: because I'm a woo woo weirdo (#owningit) is bringing into my meditation a visualization practice. I see the entity of racism as a screaming baby writhing in its own pain and I become The Mother and bring it to my breast. Yep that Love thing. I still believe it's the most powerful force on the planet. I also still believe fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

External action? Conscious conversation is a must. Not just conversation, mind you, I said conscious for a reason. While it feels great to shut down racist talk and shame people who are being obvious assholes, it doesn't do anything but strengthen the root of their sickness. Here's a real life example: I had an old man, one of my barbershop clients, who would regularly season his casual chitchat with racist talk. He was a partially deaf, and a total bigot, or so I thought. Each time I encountered him I would get angry and feel my stinky sweat come on. I wanted to scream just GTFO! I told him on several occasions that I didn't share his views or tolerate that kind of talk. He'd shut it for the remainder of that time, but next visit it'd come out of his mouth again. It was habit. 

I knew there's a huge chasm between shaming him, getting him away from me and mine so I don't have to be confronted by his beliefs, and actually creating some real change or an opening for an internal shift. My ego just wanted to restore comfort. It wasn't interested in seeing this as an opportunity. GULP, busted! When I got brave and opened up a conscious conversation, one of curiosity, I began asking him questions, genuinely seeking to learn where he was coming from. Turned out he had a very traumatic encounter right after the Korean War that led to his nasty general fear of anyone who wasn't white. As I listened and kept asking questions he began to identify for himself the silliness of assuming everyone was like the 3 men he had been hurt by. We talked about how many white men had done the same things, maybe even worse. He actually thanked me for our talk. The last time he was in I watched him start a conversation with an East Indian client while they were waiting. This never would've happened before. I get he's just one person, and all that. True, through the lens of the micro that's not much, but shift into the macro and let's look at the collective. The root of racism that runs through all of us is a collective virus. Any change we make has to reach down to root level. Screaming insults in someone's face about how ignorant they are, will only strengthen every prejudice they have, thus strengthening the collective virus. Every single one of us is capable of change, of opening our minds, and learning. How can we facilitate that? As for more positive impactful actions, I'm humble and I'm open to learning more all the time.

Also can we please distinguish between the people who are truly hate mongering and the greater majority who are merely uninformed. Malice is very different than being oblivious. Most people are sheeple, mindlessly believing what their favorite media flavor is indoctrinating them with. It's matter of education before rage, attack, or violence. Again what are my actions contributing to the collective?

Moving right along. You're a racist. So am I. Stop denying it. The amount of energy well meaning white people have wasted on positioning ourselves as innocents could power all of Vegas for eons. It has also powered more division, hurt, hunger, and war than we have a metric for.

Shut up and start listening. You don't know what you don't know. Ask questions, take responsibility, try on accountability, and quit trying to be right.

I am privileged. That doesn't mean I haven't worked hard. I'm not going to go on about this one because there are many more articulate and more patient voices who have laid this one out in paint by numbers for you. I will say this. Even though I was born to a single mom on welfare, grew up poor, got all my clothing second hand, didn't go to college, I still grew up privileged. Yep because my skin is white. It's true. Even today when I walk down the street at night, no one locks their doors, or moves to the other side of the street. Why? Because it's just some lil white chic. Why do I get pulled over and not get arrested, shot, or even a citation? Because I'm a cute lil white chic. Why will I get the job before so many others...yes LWC. Have I used that to my benefit? Of course I have. What about you?

Why am I able to pursue the minimalist lifestyle? Move out of big house into a tiny home? Get rid of all my extra stuff? Because I've had all that. My privilege helped me get into that affluent first world problem to begin with. Only because of that do I know what it's like to crave simplicity.

What I'm wrestling with at the moment are the lingering images from India. Really messed up ones, like me buying a pair of pants for about the cost of 1 avocado here, while a scrawny dirty street child tugs on my shirt begging for rupees. I know many of these kids are being pimped out to beg. I also have been warned that if I give them money I'll become a target. And yet, I am a mother. Here is a child alone in a big city, in need of so many things and I'm not supposed to help? I haven't reconciled it yet. My stomach turns and I've cried about this more than once. I needed that trip the way we all need reality's periodic bitch slap.

I don't know where to start, so I'll start here by speaking up. I know that by ignoring the yuck in the world and only focusing on the positive, nothing will change. That's a bunch of privileged new age drivel that only perpetuates suffering in the world. When we're afraid to look it straight in the eye, it will continue to get stronger. Closing the lid on the shit you just took and focusing on how clean the rest of the bathroom is won't make it stop stinking!

It's time peeps, let’s put down the quest for making our already unbelievably easy cush lives even better, lay down the game of hoarding even more money and resources, stop with the popularity contest already, so we can see what's happening right in front of our faces. We'll screw it up a little, say it wrong, offend some people along the way, and too bad, keep learning, speaking up, and most of all keep loving PLEASE.