2014, You have been my passive aggressor.
You with your psychological warfare
Your sexy homelessness
illicit push and pull
Candy Land Ladders and Shoots
me.
Love and Rockets
in the morgue of all I thought I knew.
You told me to strip for you
Not only clothing, but my skin.
I know a teacher when I see one.
Farewell Sensei. 

Are You Grinding The Gears?

No doubt there has been forward motion. I'm not one to sit around and stagnate.

However as I look back on my progress I notice something I call the "start and stop syndrome". Maybe you can relate...
I come on strong, taking the bull by the horns,  kicking some proverbial ass. Right up until I'm yawning, bored, distracted, scared, wary, confused, or what have you. This cycle has prevailed for years in some way, shape or form. 

I'm done excusing this as "just the way things go." As I examine it further, putting it under the microscope of mindfulness it looks like this:

On the highway of life some cars are totally stalled out, even abandoned. Some have flat tires. Others are driving blindly down the road with a tarp on their windshield crashing into anything in their way. I see cars that are too insecure to even leave the garage. Then I see mine, like someone just learning to drive a clutch. Lurching forward, engine revving, blasting ahead other times killing it and starting over again. Over the years I've made lots of headway, but lordie what a jerky ride!

I get that there is always going to be stop lights along the way. My focus right now is just making graceful transitions through the gears. Keep reading and I'll tell you my simple 3 step plan! (I said simple, not easy.)

1.) Small steps =  sustainable = smooth ride
I know I'm sick of me preaching about the small steps thing too, but damnit it's true! 
Quit taking on so much at once. Pick one small thing and master it. Let the shift become habit. When it's the new default, then move on to the next thing.

2.) Polish the old victories
We all forget. I forget, you forget. Ask yourself, "Where have I already succeeded?" Make a list. Go ahead pat yourself on the back, prance around a little. Then go back and double check that list to see if you're still effectively rocking those things. (I just did that with flossing and found I needed to re-establish my dental dogma.)
Evidence of past victories reminds you that you are in fact, a capable bad ass!

3.) Just For Today
I think AA uses this one a lot. Don't worry about next week or 2 years from now. What are you doing today? Are you staying present? Are you doing your best right now in this moment? There's nothing like overwhelm to extinguish your fire, make you quit before you even start. So don't go there, be here now!

Yeah that's me cruising along in my smooth sexy ride! 
The best part is we get to keep messing it up, changing it up, doing it better, learning and loving. There is no perfect way to do it. F**k perfect just get out there and drive a little better baby!

How much P are you putting Your ool?

Yep there is some scary shit going on in the world right now.
 I won't deny that. As a matter of fact I can not think of a time since I've been alive or before that, when there wasn't some scary shit going on in this crazy world of ours.

AND there is a lot more normal okay stuff going on at the same time. For example, the very fact that millions of people commute to work everyday in a somewhat cooperative manner is miraculous and says a lot about humanity. With each of us engaging in our own neurotic mind chatter, we still manage to merge onto freeways, stop at traffic lights, not run over pedestrians. HELLO?! As mundane as that may sound, just stop and just marvel at these sane daily human interactions. WOW. We're pretty amazing.

What about the random acts of kindness, the courage, forgiveness, tenacity, joy, humor, and other pure awesomeness that is happening constantly all around you?
What? Are you missing it? Are you even looking for it?
I'm afraid too many of us are not.

How do most people start their morning? The news. Ugh. Not just the news, but a very specific biased fear ridden lens of what is considered "news". What a bizarre way to calibrate, talk about putting on your gloom and doom glasses! Then as if that isn't enough to make you want to throw yourself off of the first tall building you see, you go back for more, for news updates, commentary, and don't forget the evening news.

I was recently in a hotel gym in Dallas. The gym was pretty tricked out and fab except for one thing, the gargantuan TV that was blaring Fox News. I had my ear buds in, listening to my workout tunes as loud as my little ear drums could handle, and still I couldn't completely drown out the toxic mantra. I could clearly make out three words over and over and over again. Gouged into my pysche were these 3 fear laced buzz words:  ISIS, Ebola, and terrorism. 

Talk about polluting my inner space, peeing in my pool, poisoning my attitude. I could feel it like a hangover casting its shadow on my disposition. I felt hopeless and defeated,  overwhelmed by issues I had no real control over. The worst part being the issues I did have control over were tainted by my dismal outlook on life that day.

Why? Why would we intentionally do that to ourselves? Yeah we all get it. Things aren't perfect, sometimes they straight up suck. F**k perfect! What is going right? What are you inspired about? Start your day with some of that!

I am not opposed to being informed. I am asking you to be equally informed. Inform yourself of the kindness, the heart warming, the pee your pants from laughing so hard, the REST of what is happening all day every day!

Notice your conversations. What are you leading with? Are you spreading the despair? Enough bitching about world problems, unless you're offering a realistic solution that you're ready to be an active agent in, then please shut up already! I dare  you to bring something else. Bring your own version of inspiration, peace, humor, and compassion to the world. 

Todays permission slip goes out to you News junkies, I give you permission to turn it off. Get off the couch. Go for  a walk. Listen to birds singing. Watch a sunset. Meet your neighbor, chances are you'll find out he's not a terrorist.  Become accountable for what your putting into your mind and for what you let come out your mouth.

What do you say? 

Wild Child Where Are You?

I know you're all grown up now. You haven't played dress up in years. (not that kinda dress up anyway.) You don't eat the frosting off your cupcake and the leave the rest anymore. Hell you don't even eat cupcakes. You floss regularly. Really, you do? Wow I'm impressed.

Doesn't matter. That little, funny, silly, sometimes bratty, mischievous, wild child is still alive and kicking inside of all your alleged maturity. 

Time to check in. Say hello! 

 Hi five to your inner surfer, wave rider, wild child. She is unpredictable to say the least, the original shape shifter, age drifter, her symbol is the lava lamp, her totem? Every face of the totem pole! She is a rebel with a cause.... to be deeply felt! She will not be silenced, ignored, or bored! She's right there asking all day, e'er day, "Hey Wanna play?"

Got it? Good.

How to be Funk Free and other Fairytales

Do you ever feel disgusting, barely able to stand yourself? Of course you do. Just admit it.

 I'll just say it like it is. I hear varying versions of this from my friends, clients, and humans in general.
I'm in the midst of one of those inner debacles now.

Here's a way too honest glimpse of my inner hater Circus:
The volcano erupted last night as I felt the impact of the parental gavel slam hard on my psyche. Every way that I have failed as a parent was broadcast over my internal loudspeaker. There were cheerleaders on the sidelines (without cellulite!...Body BS? We'll get to that just wait) egging the crowd on. 

This morning in Barre class unfortunately there was a mirror. Need I say more? All of my internal repugnance had a looking glass to prance upon. It might have been the longest hour of my life. Try as I may to to avert my own gaze, I fell captive to my own self loathing. As I averted my eyes and attempted a state change I began to look at the women all around me. At first it was in a high school comparing sort of way. ("What? She's a life and body coach, she's supposed to be better than this" Yeah one of my inner voices always says that too.) I scanned for all the ways they were better than me. Taller, younger, more fit, perky boobs, cellulite free, elegant hands, the list went on and on. Something shifted inside me. My ruthless comparing was interrupted. I began to see how that woman with the tiny waist I was coveting was self conscious about the width of her hips. Her clothing choice, and the way she held herself confirmed it. My heart got squishy as I continued to look around the room at all of us and our inevitable insecurities. 

What about the days I feel amazing, when I am filled with confidence and purpose? It's not as if my physiology has taken a grave turn to justify the depths I can plummet to.
Granted, I spend far less time in a funk than I used to, and yet every time I go there, it's equally sucky! 

The question is not "why does this happen?".  What is the question then?

How do we move forward despite the loathing lens?

Just that. We move forward despite the loathing. I still went to Barre class! Nothing in me wanted to get out of bed, yet I did. Okay so that's exercise. What about work???? How can I be inspired to write when I feel like this? Well I'm writing, taking this yuck experience and using it as my inspiration. I'm not writing a blog telling you the 5 things you can do to never again feel like crap. I'm getting honest and keeping it real.

There's a time to be still, to go inward and listen. For me...these are not those times. Paralysis, checking out, and borderline depression like to masquerade as "stillness". In times like these, there's one survival strategy that keeps me above water. it's Action.

Action deletes fear. Action deletes apathy. Action cures all sorts of things. I'm not talking about mammoth efforts or herculean undertakings, just one tiny action step. 

Feel like shit? Yeah me too. What is the one small step you're going to take that'll keep moving you in the direction of your dream? 

Oh one more thing...don't take yourself too seriously, it's only life after all.

Can you feel me now?

Empathy: The ability to share and understand the feelings of another.

As I write this I knowingly risk the wrath of half the new age world. And yet…I feel compelled to throw a rock at this glass house that perpetuates separation, and what occurs to me as a sly form of spiritual arrogance.

Tears that are not my own are dripping off my chin, walking through a crowd and being hit with a wave of anxiety, or suddenly struck with fury like a lightening bolt at random are a part of everyday life for those of us who are emotionally and energetically sensitive.

The label “empath” has been hot stuff these last few years. I’ve heard it til my ears bled. Sometimes it’s used in the same way one might explain a serious food allergy.

 “Well you see I can’t attend that event, there’s just too many people and because I’m an empath I just can’t take it.”

Kinda victimy eh?

Other times it’s worn like a crown.

“Yes I know exactly what they’re going through, you see because I’m an empath I can feel all your emotions and theirs.”

Ummm they lost their child, I’m pretty sure you don’t know exactly what they’re going through.

The most common concern I hear is, “I’ve got to protect myself from all those other people’s emotions.”

*Soap box central, watch out I’m letting it rip now!*

Emotions are contagious. We’re all swimming in a sea of emotions, moving together through this slushy sentimental soup. Perhaps you are not the home of origin for that particular emotion. Do you feel it now? Then guess what…it’s yours! You can choose to resist it, or make up a story about how, why, and who this emotion really belongs to, as if you could package it up marked “return to sender”.

Hold your hat I’m about to offer an outrageous new possibility. Take it or leave it, but please at the very least consider this:

What if you are not just some flimsy lil helpless recipient? Could it be that you are a competent powerful loving light being who can take it, what comes your way? Maybe that amazing big juicy heart of yours isn’t just for the breaking, but rather it’s a sturdy unstoppable filtration system, one that was made to return the yuck of the world back into love.

Imagine walking through life with your guard down, your beautiful robust heart open, smiling your ass off at everyone you meet, because you actually don’t have to be that afraid of those people and their emotions. What if you got the hell out of your own way and allowed yourself to be as powerful as you came here to be?

So you’re an empath? Great let’s get to work. Step up. Get out of your head and into your heart. It’s time love fearlessly!

murmurs from the peep hole

                                              Will I just disappear if I continue moving inward? Can a person actually implode? 

To whom it may concern,

I am now the gooey liquid inside the cocoon, no trace of the caterpillar or the mythological butterfly the stories promise. 

I am the new moon, invisible to the naked eye. See me if you can, the ghost, putting my ethereal hand on the door knob expecting it to turn. My gumby legs collapsing under the weight of my emotional body as I try to run. When food tastes like sand and the sun only rises in sepia, what then?

Peering out of my one eye peep hole, I am comforted in my kennel of confusion. It's a vortex of slow blues, lucid dreaming, and stained sheets. Watching myself from above, I am curious what this strange animal will do next. Picking off the scabs of who I've been and still surprised how I bleed.

Placing your orders right now is futile. Productivity is a foreign tongue and reminds me that I am not a human doing, at least not all of the time. Times like this, uncomfortable and awkward are only for being. Stay present, don't check out. After all there are no epidurals for the birthing of one's Self. Damn.

On a funnier note, as I typed this I received two accidental one word texts from my mother. The same message 2 minutes apart: "be". Got it mama. Thanks.

Metamorphism: Alteration of the composition or structure by means of heat, pressure, or other natural agency.

The Beautiful Divorce

Is there such a thing as a beautiful divorce?

I think so. My idealist is absolutely positive. The rest of me just really hopes.

 *Stomach gurgling* as I look at my path ahead. This is the bridge before me.

Nothing has any meaning except the meaning I give it. Easy to say, rolls right off the tongue like so many other disembodied concepts. Now is the time to live that like I’ve never lived it before.

The truth of my spiritual practice doesn’t happen at the mountain retreat center in the hushed whisper of a sunrise meditation. It doesn’t smell like lavender and sage, nor does it dance to tingsha bells.

I spotted the truth of my spiritual practice last week at the hospital in the face of the psychiatric team with my son, as the intense loneliness of no one holding my hand shook me. I felt it the next morning at 3 am in the salty brew of snot and tears and stifled screams. It was there again yesterday as anxiety pounded on my chest and clutched my throat. I even heard it in the feeble request for help that murmured it’s way out my mouth. 
Each one of these was accompanied by that same subtle sensation. Did you know there is a felt body sensation associated with getting caught in victim mode? 
Neither did I. 
By recognizing that familiar old sensation and the stories it spins, stories of blame, something shifted. In that painful illuminated moment, choice rushed in. Suddenly I could see a whole new layer of my old patterns and how they most certainly would wreak havoc on an otherwise could be beautiful divorce. 
My spiritual practice gained footing, it leapt off the yoga and meditation mat, taking on a real life of it’s own.

Tradition has taught me that divorce must be ugly, mean and filled with suffering. Tradition has taught me that a marriage means forever at all costs, anything less is failure. In a life unshackled by tradition and external approval there is room for Self-inquiry, for mistakes, mystery, and adventure.

Luckily for me I have a husband/former husband (who also believes in creating a new possibility. Who is willing to shock the masses and naysayers and do whatever the hell we want!

We choose possibility. We choose a new way. This is my blank canvas if I stay conscious I can paint completion of my marriage, this farewell, this bridge before me beautiful after all.

I’ll keep ya posted.

Your Man is Not One of Your Bitches

Ladies I am about to spit diamonds at you, listen up!

1.) Your man is not one of your bitches. (I'm owning that word today!)

 Of course you want him to give one rat's ass about your girl gossip, or which belt looks better with that top. If he cried at that one commercial, you know the one. If he wanted to decorate the house with you for the holidays, if he noticed when you had your ends trimmed, and layers touched up. Or if he’d answer your 51 word text with more than 3 words. That would be perfect right? Wrong.

You want a woman, go get yourself one! Just ask my Lesbos, they know, it isn’t just about the sex, hello!

All the feminine details, or as the guys call it, Drama. Save it for your posse. If you’re going to tell him a story- give him the man version, get to the point, or don’t be pissed when he’s yawning.

 Stop bitching about what he’s NOT doing. When you expect him to be one of your girls you’re not able to see the gifts he does have to offer.

2.) He doesn’t want you to be perfect. 

That’s your own trip, stop projecting it onto him! F**k perfect.

You may want to lose your love handles, chances are he doesn’t care. Maybe that first night he saw you shaking your sweet thang you thought it was the hot dress you had on or the way you did your hair that drew him in. Nope. It was your essence, your aliveness, the way you danced like no one was watching and  laughed out loud with your posse. He glimpsed your soul and that’s what hooked him.

Your man is your man, stop with your emasculating expectations!

You want to turn him on? You want to be so sexy he can barely breathe. Do a Striptease, girl, take off your pretense, all your trying, seduce him with your own stunning soul!