I look back at my life and marvel at the many faces of me. Often times I can't even connect to the woman who said this or did that. Like amnesia, I read through old journals and wonder.
What are the heart opening memories I connect most to? The times I put mySelf out there and I am proud of me?
I fondly recall spearheading a rally in my small town years ago. I caught wind of a skin head gathering, and without any knowledge of "event organizing" or even a plan. My heart catapulted me into activism. I put up flyers for a town meeting, contacted radio and TV stations, colleges and plastered local business store fronts with "Hate Free Zone" posters. The ACLU found lil ole me, and joined in the effort. People came from near and far to support us.
It was only after the fact that I thought to be self conscious, second guessing my fearlessness. Later that I lay in bed listening to the mind chatter and undermining my yesterday's inspired action. After the mind freak the real me stated a matter of fact that now lives in not only my mind but also in my body, "Wow, one person can make a difference."
What about the other times, when I recoil to remember the knee jerk reactions, that triggered me to close down, the moments I rendered my self inept.
Hearing a woman screaming horrible things to a child and my heart breaking, my mind spinning, feelings of intense rage and violence rising up against the woman. I was paralyzed, the emotional tornado inside me blocking love, clarity, and possibility. Walking away as helpless as the child. Sick to my stomach years later, and even today shell shocked at the replay.
Hearing her voice inside me as I have lost my temper with my own son. Hearing that ugliness spill out onto myself, when I beat myself up in those quiet toxic moments...
The faces and roles I've played consciously and otherwise. Some shine with the motivation of love, grounded wisdom, forgiveness. Others, well I'd rather not say. And yet these are all parts of me!
I am becoming more aware all the time of where I'm coming from. What does that feel like when I am in my Essential Self?
~Like I have all the time in the world.
~It feels gentle.
~I feel compassionate.
~I am calm, centered, and most of all CURIOUS!
Recognizing body sensations of being in Essential Self, I notice:
~A warm contentment flooding my body.
~My breath is free and open.
~I enjoy my heart beating, or the air on my skin, a rumble in my tummy, the tiny subtle body signals that otherwise go undetected.
I am gratefully spending more time here, in this expansive realm, while accepting those other parts that creep in to defend, to distract, to hide me from the "scary truth"...
