~ art by Bree Mathiason
Great so I've done it! It only makes sense that I should be kicking back, sipping a mental margarita (if not the real thing), basking in sweet relief and atta girls! Right???
I have observed in myself a strange phenomenon. Each time I expand into a new area, step outside my comfort zone I go through an emotional obstacle course. Exhilaration, fear, dread, determination, courage... Then the actual action! The moment of stepping beyond my norm, I hold the hand of my fear and leap!
The vague and brief after glow gradually turns into a glow of embarrassment which thus far has guaranteed me an emotional collapse and tear tango within 24 hours of said success.
WTF?
I have observed this in my coaching clients as well. And here's the parable I'll offer:
He's been there for so many years, a gruff stern, but safe kind of giant. (Mine is usually Russian, don't ask.) I hired him as my emotional bodyguard somewhere in my first 6 yrs of life. He has kept me from falling off cliffs, down into wells, protected me from boogey men, dragons, and eventually from personal growth and success.
While he served me well in the beginning, this last decade he's been more of a pain in the patookus.
Making me sit still when I want to dance, quiet down when I want to speak up, and for god sake, no running in the house, jumping on the bed, digging in the dirt, and you get the idea.
Why?
Because if I mess up, embarrass myself, him, or any of my ancestors, imagine what might happen.
What? What'll happen?
He tells me I'll die.
Really? Wow. Dead, huh? That's a big deal. Are you sure?
Yep. He knows for a fact that's the only possible outcome.
Apparently I installed an army of these guys to keep me in line. Each time an opportunity is offered to me, they tell me the same thing. If I do it, I'll screw it up, and we all know what happens then!
I've been a naughty girl. A rebel. I've been a doubting Thomas, and I've recklessly been drawing outside the lines, not wearing panties, singing Happy Birthday off key (loudly), and challenging the rules in the safety guide.
For 20 yrs I was waiting to be perfect before I auditioned for life.
I'm doing it! Whatever the challenge is, the opportunity presented, if I feel that feisty inner girl perk up, I take the emotional obstacle course head on!
The bodyguard, my old friend and guardian calls out a warning of genuine concern for my wellbeing. If I take one more step out of bounds, I won't ever be able to get back. "Stop! Don't do it!" he cries. I glance back toward his fearful pleading, and realize it is not I who will die, but his purpose. He will no longer be needed, all his work and regulations will disappear along with those old stories of propriety, piety, and playing small.
These emotional stretch marks of success appear as I grow into who I AM! A very real death occurs. The passing of old body guards and self limiting beliefs.
It's ok. I'll make room for these tears of transformation. After all I am the Sacred Sassy Heroine of this unfolding tale!
